This will probably make for a boring post. When you’re okay and life doesn’t feel like bedlam, there’s nothing to report.
Which is good.
But I have to say that it’s jarring to be on this side of healthy, I’ve only known chaos and misery for the last 8 or 9 months. I think my therapist no longer wants to stick her head in the oven. Yaaaay.
If you did the math, you worked out that the last “8 or 9 months” would have included time at the new gig, and yes, for a time, it was actually misery (but less chaos). I was put on the graveyard shift (1am-9am) when I was first starting and I very quickly learned that I was not cut out for it. I tried to stick it out, but the fact was that I was only doing it for three days out of the week, which had me living in perpetual jet-lag mode. It wasn’t good for my work there, it wasn’t good for work for my side biz. It certainly wasn’t good for my mental health (actually wreaking HAVOC on my mental health) and it wasn’t good for Matt and I (it REALLY wasn’t good for Matt and I). I set a hard boundary and said I couldn’t do it anymore. So they let up and gave me a 9-5 shift, albeit it meant shaving a day off of my schedule… eek. Which means…
This is challenging. I’m not living in squalor obviously, but for the first time ever, I’m living off of a very meagre income. I’m not only not really making money right now, but it’s this feeling of this ocean effect of nothing washing up onto shore and everything going out to sea. In other words, no money coming in, all money going out (bills, rent, food, and of course, the chocolate business). It’s a scary feeling, one that really fucks with my desire to be an adequate and self-sufficient woman (and for most of my life up to this point, I have been). Matt and I have worked it out and he’s fine with supporting me, but also heavily banking on me becoming a chocolate bazillionaire so that he can be a kept man. I mean, that’s essentially everyone’s life goals……………….
Again, for the first time in what seems like a really long time, I was able to report in therapy recently that I’m doing much better. Both my therapist and I uttered pained sighs of relief. Despite being kind of poor now, I have freedom and autonomy and time and dare I say… happiness? I also sleep peacefully! There really is something to be said about going against what everyone else is doing and what society dictates. Excuse me while I adjust my tinfoil hat here, but all social constructs are only made to control people. Except in bed, I detest nearly anyone’s hold on me. Breaking out of the 9-5, setting your own hours, working in less traditional occupational fields, “being your own boss” (I fucking hate this saying), and just being on your own schedule feels healthier (I’ve been really digging on my girl, Kelsey’s life philosophies lately)… it not only makes sense to me now, I feel it making sense.
Now that I have more time on my hands, I’ve been able to finally focus on my physical health. I’m not 100% back to cycling, but I’m getting there. There was a really low point where I came to realize that I had even lost my base fitness. I have ALWAYS had base fitness, it at least kept the engine running at all times. Not optimally, but it still ran. But again, since Spain, my last job really fucked with my life and it left me a shell of myself, not only taking away time to do anything, but taking away the desire to do anything— anything of remote interest. For a period, I wanted to do Nothing, absolutely NOTHING. I just wanted… to sit. And stare at a wall. With everything else I wasn’t doing, cycling was especially being ignored.
And so it’s been a tough journey trying to get even my base fitness back up. It has been like learning how to walk all over again. It’s been humiliating, extremely frustrating, and upsetting. And I’ve hated almost all of it, carrying a shitty, snippy, bitchy attitude the whole way. Seriously wanting to sling back and throw my Argon into a ditch after looking at my pathetic numbers. Angry tears, lots of them.
……………………………And then I finally had a good ride.
I’ve rode with no one this year, except for Matt. I haven’t psyched myself up enough to get back into any group. I know that one morning, I’ll just show up without warning.
If you must know, I’m a fucking weirdo when it comes to talking about the business (when it comes to talking business, that’s a different story). I do not talk about it. I have nothing to hide, it’s not a secret, it’s just that it makes me really edgy and anxious talking about it, so I don’t. So I’m afraid you’re not going to get much out of me here, other than: I am a co-owner of this business, I have a business partner, we’re incorporated, we have a lawyer, we have an accountant, and I develop recipes and make chocolate for the business. Here is our Instagram account, with a Shopify-powered website to launch soon. And no bullshit, we’re very busy.
PEC - Matt and his 5 best from his graduating class (plus partners) organized a 10-year reunion and we decided to spend it in a massive AirBnB farmhouse in PEC during Canada Day long weekend. We were all disturbed by how perfect the weekend was, zero things went wrong. It made going back to work all the more depressing.
OBSESSED WITH CALIFORNIA FOR A MOMENT - Maybe it’s a Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon at play here, but there was a short period where it seemed like California was really calling my name. The Chef Show was thrown up on Netflix. I had a former coworker Instagram all of his adventures in California ending his west coast road trip there. I met and made friends with Matt’s classmate, who’s been living in L.A. with their partner for the last few years and they invited us to stay with them. (See also: ‘JUNK’ below). Then the earthquake happened. A chocolate and pastry chef I follow put out a call for new staff at his lab in L.A.. And Dave Chang featured Josh Skenes of Angler on his podcast. And many more examples that escape me. My “hit list” is ever-changing, but California is #1 now, with a bullet, and it was so strange how it was aggressively all up in my face in just the span of a week. It hurts me, but I’m still hardlining against travelling to the States so long as Mr. Orange-Man-Baby President is still in office. So I won’t be making my way there any time soon, unfortunately. But still, I desperately want to go and see California.
JUNK - I am watching The Hills again. Please know that I eat junk, not watch it. Except for The Hills. I absolutely cannot believe it’s back and I’m eating all of it up, every single last crumb.
LESS JUNK - Stranger Things 3 and Chernobyl are great watches, each in their own way. Chernobyl was especially chilling and now I’m afraid of one morning waking up to find that all of my skin has fallen off, even unprompted by a nuclear disaster (a meltdown is unlikely to happen given all of our modern fail-safe designs. That should be reassuring enough, but I’m me).
BOOKS - I do not know how to navigate these new entrepreneurial waters, no one taught me how to steer this ship. My business partner is simply the best partner I could ask for, but she can only do so much to educate me. And so I’ve had to do a lot of reading to become more learned about running a business and this book seems to really speak to me when it comes to running the type of business I want to run:
I joke about about wanting to become the Google of chocolate, but really, success for me would be being able to comfortably support myself and everyone around me, which includes the people who work with me and for me, and Matt, while maintaining life balance.
Ending this all on my SOS -
Stay cool, the world’s on fire,