The best of 2015

Film of the Year

Also: Inside Out
 

TV Show of the Year


And also: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt; The Mindy Project
 

Book of the Year


 

Album(s) of the Year

Also: FKA Twigs, M3LL155X; Björk, Vulnicura; Chelsea Wolfe, Abyss; Miguel, Wildheart; Neon Indian, VEGA INTL. Night School; Grimes, Art Angels

 

Disappoints (albums) of the Year

Purity Ring, Another Eternity

 

Album From Way Back That I Missed, But Got Into This Year

Beck, Morning Phase

 

Best Song of the Year

Tied: Jamie xx, Loud Places; FKA Twigs, In Time

Also: The Weeknd, I Can’t Feel My Face
 

Best New Artist of the Year

Jamie xx
 

Overrated Artist of the Year

The Weeknd
 

Concert of the Year

Jamie xx
 

New Addiction of the Year

Track cycling

“Adult colouring”

 

Ride Of The Year 

Rapha W100

 

Food of the Year

Fish tacos

 

Best New Discovery of the Year

Adult colouring

Memorable Death of the Year

Scott Weiland

 

Word(s) of the Year

‘Hammery’

 

Worst Word of the Year

‘Fuccboi’

 

Man of the Year

M. Lawson

 

Douche(s) of the Year

Tied: Donald Trump; Martin Shkreli
 

Women of the Year

S. Au
V. Chan
H. Hashimoto

My girls! 
 

"Holy shit" Moment(s)/Realizations/Awesomeness of the Year

-Props from Argon18
-GETTING an Argon18
-Riding track
-My first race

 

Friend of the Year

C. Buchan

 

Regret of the Year

Not traveling enough

 

Things I’m Looking Forward To in 2016

-Moving

-Another bike trip (?)

-Baking school
 

Year-End Note

Well. This year, eh? Both dizzying highs and terrifying lows (none of the creamy middles)...

"I cycle. I am not a cyclist."

There's a large part of me that will never be convinced that I am actually a cyclist and will never be sure of my "cred", no matter how hard I work or what I achieve or what literal cards I can hold up to identify to people that I am one. That’s sad, right? —considering I do this activity a fucking lot and destroy myself mentally and physically in the process. That feeling of incompleteness remains. Will remain. I don't think it'll ever come out in the wash. I don't know what threshold I have to cross to be worthy of the title because as soon as I'm over one, I'll still think that "I'm not there yet". It wasn’t any of the things I did this year that would otherwise indicate that “I’m there”… not track, not the imperial century, not overcoming a bad accident, not my first race. I came through the other side of all those things and I'm "still not there". Depending on the day you get me and what mood I'm in, I look back on those achievements and discuss them like an amnesiac-- did I really do them? Some days I'll be okay with feeling like a fraud and I'll take full credit and gloat, but most days, I just can't own them.

There's no resolve to this. It's an open end. I'll never come to terms with what people label me. But I know I'll keep riding harder, keep hungrily chasing, keep reaching for that bar that gets lifted higher and higher, and continue this romantic and complicated relationship with the sport of cycling. 

There's probably a pattern in here somewhere, the same disbelief bleeds into my love life... 

After my last relationship ended (a very confirmed permanence because it was break-up #2), I was so resigned to walking the rest of the way by myself-- and I was actually mostly okay with this. You get so used to being suddenly thrust back onto the path of singlehood again that your body just always remembers. Unconscious muscle memory. Reflex. So what little comfort I could draw from that familiarity, I took it to help myself heal... "I've done this before, more than I haven't, it's not like I don't know how to do it again." 

...buuuuuuuut ultimately, I was shut down for business.

...and that's not necessarily (all) cynicism and despair (and I'm in no way tugging for pity)-- it's simply survival. I had to keep trudging because if I wasn't okay or if I at least didn't come across as okay, I felt like everything and everyone else around me would also fall to ruins.

I just kept the chains moving (in my case, the bike chain) --functioned on autopilot mostly. But just kept moving nonetheless, it's all I could do. 

The one guy who had actually managed to jumper-cable my heart was somebody I didn’t think it was even possible to end up with...

And like how I view my cycling achievements, I'm perpetually agape that we're together. 

Thank-you, M. Lawson. 

Yours,

K.