I've never felt this way before so I thought it was worth documenting...
November 2017 has been the hardest month to live through this year. Should I run down the list?
- I got hit by a car right at the top of the month. I was on my bike and an opposing car didn't yield while turning left. I split my chin open and had to get stitches. Now I'm left with a noticeable scar and the increasingly crushing pressure of needing to do something about the shit-ass driver who hit me (although I don't know what at this point, I already filed a report with the police)
- Matt and I are moving in together December 1st and so we've been naturally burdened with having to ready our things and possessions for that (moving comes right underneath death and divorce on the list of Life's Biggest Stressors... probably). In the meantime, living in limbo has been testing our sanity.
- A very popular and important alpha uncle on my dad's side of the family passed away. My folks were in Hong Kong at the time and they had asked my sister and I to go to the wake to represent (my dad was especially close with this uncle)
- I'm just gonna blaze through this next part and leave the details out: Matt briefly went missing for a few hours one night this month and remembers 3% of it. His memory also excludes time in the hospital.
- The day after the missing incident, Matt learned that one of his former students was killed by a car in Italy while on co-op. This has been challenging to process.
- I received a call from my doctor saying that there's something going on in my cervix and I have to go see a specialist to get it checked out in the new year.
This is the reason why virtually no one has seen me this month. I've just been laying low, recovering as best I can from one crisis after the other and trying to keep my head above water here.
Shitty things happen to everyone all the time, but oh my god, what the shit is this wipe-out-most-lifeforms type of landslide? What? The ever loving? Shit?
But it's moved me to a level where my love and feelings for Matt are now beyond words. I for real can't describe this. This shit plunges so deep that for the times I've had to seek medical attention this month and I've had hard confrontations with mortality in cold-lit, empty waiting rooms, my head has immediately gone to, "What if I didn't make it? What if I don't make it? Matt would be so sad and scared and there isn't a thought that makes me sadder than that." (making friends and family sad is different... neither better or worse or ranking less or more important, just different). I think about him feeling worried and sad and it's absolutely wrenching for me, it actually makes me cry. So I get the whole, "We need to find another person for my lover, ASAP." idea. It's twisted, but it makes sense to me.
I think because I saw him scared for the first time (really, him having gone missing fucked the both of us up good) it really hit me that he can't always be the rock in this relationship...
But we're both so hyper aware about the importance of being there for each other as much as we can be and I'm so fucking grateful for this. Because let's be honest: all the shit we were pummeled with this month really tests one's resilience. People immediately drop the ball and abandon the game mid-play if they don't want to stick it out and power through, for them, for their partner, or for the relationship. Nothing feels lonelier, more helpless, and more terrible than when you find out that your teammate doesn't have your back and was in it for themselves only...
But it's revealed itself that nothing is more solid than Matt and I. Thank fucking god.
Matt just went to get our keys...