Doctor(s): How much time do you want to take off?
Me: Well, here's the thing. I don't know. I don't know what's right for me. And it's really strange for me to have that sort of autonomy in any of this because what all of this is about is me not feeling in control of anything. I don't think I'm in any condition to make any decisions for myself right now. I had to be told that I wasn't well... which I didn't really believe at first, even though I was feeling it.
Doctor(s): What do you want?
Me: I want to be told what to do. Because I don't know up from down right now.
Doctor(s): Why don't we say ***************
Doctor(s): And even at that point, we just check in to see how you're doing.
Me: What am I supposed to do during this time?
Doctor(s): For the first week? Nothing. Absolutely Nothing. You see no one. Sleep. Read. Journal. Listen to music. Maybe some light exercise. Reflect. But it can't be anything more.
Me: ...I can't not do that.
Doctor(s): You need to. Because you're here because you did too much and went through a lot in a short period of time and it was too much. We need to get your anxiety down to here. It's up here right now... and we need to get it down here. And after that, maybe get back on a schedule.
So... I'm surrounded, SURROUNDED, by unassembled IKEA purchases at the moment. The urge feels the most natural of attempting to throw all this shit together by myself without Matt's help. Like, "Why wouldn't I install these curtains?!? They need to be installed!!!" In my mental background is my anxiety humming because there's a thing that's not being done and it "absolutely needs to be done". But while I don't really believe it this minute, I can objectively predict that on the other side of completing that curtain installation is exhaustion, burnout, and depression all over again. Not even pride or some surge of accomplishment at this point, which are so fleeting now because I'm quickly consumed with the next task that "absolutely needs to be done". I've never allowed myself to fully recharge the battery so I'm only functioning on 20% at all times, which is what I guess got me here. This is how my stress and anxiety function right now (but this example is on a much smaller scale... towards the end of last year was exponential and dealing or doing everything all at once or in close succession of each other).
The real of it is is that I'm not supposed to even think about doing anything task-related. If anyone who's been looking after me knew what I was thinking, I'd get reprimanded. This is how real the intervention is.
I can't tell you how fucked up all of this feels.
Have you ever just... stopped? Like seriously just stopped... and a 5-minute coffee or cigarette or Instagram break doesn't count. You no longer receive emails and your calendar is blank. Food doesn't have to be made and you don't have to clean. Vigorous hobbies just need to be put on hold. Your peeps will just have to hang tight on your read receipts.
It is just alien, that's the only way I can describe it.
Happy New Year.