Whatever murdered my ability to relax made sure it stayed dead. So I've been working to resuscitate this. I'd be lying if I said that this short-term leave was easy (and it seems like it should be easy), but by many moments, it's made my anxiety worse. Third week in, I didn't sleep for the entire week, even with being on medication now. My body now only knows how to be tense and stressed that it delayed my period for two weeks (two weeks late, are you shitting me now? Fuck yeah I was ready to go buy a home pregnancy test??). I see professionals every week and I wonder if any of this is doing anything for me.
No end date in sight.
And that is all I'm going to say about that.
This w̶a̶s̶ is supposed to be a blog about fun stuff (and political stuff... aka: also fun stuff!!!!!) so I'd like to bring it back to that.
Favourite things right now (because I guess I get to do these things with this time that I have)...
He kind of rolls over into this year from the end of last year, but he is so My Dude Right Now. I love watching everything he does in the kitchen, even the meat stuff (and I'm pescatarian). Magnetic, jovial, not pretentious, has Canadian sensibilities, and guy really knows his food science. It's just fun watching him, he's the best.
Cooking vegan food
Sounds so gross (but I'm not grocery shopping at Whole Foods, so... less gross), but it's actually been great. Matt's on this vibe of cutting out meat and fish and seafood right now, and I'm all for it. I went through this obsessive Fresh Restaurants phase some years back where I bought all their cookbooks and made and ate their food for the most of two years (and I was off fish at the time). So to be able to fall back on cooking Fresh food during this time feels good. Wading through unknown waters is always fun and scary and challenging, but going back to what you used to be really familiar with is like visiting an old neighbourhood you used to live in.
(*Baking/chocolate work is hard for me right now, for various reasons, some within my control and not. Cooking is easier... somehow).
My cousin described this to me as "Stranger Things, but in German". Kind of and not really. It's not The Goonies or E.T., but some parts do take place in the '80s, but not exaggeratedly so, it's just a setting in Dark. No one is eating Pop Tarts every morning, needing to get Duran Duran concert tickets, and asking themselves if they're stuck in a John Hughes movie. But little boys do go missing and the show is not even slightly funny (read: GERMAN). Nevermind the title of the show, it's actually dark as shit. I've found myself curling up against Matt when watching characters approaching something misty and dim way too fucking slowly. But anyway, if you like unintentional time travel, suspense, kids going missing, and having it all be said in German, you'll like Dark.
Fittingly set in the '80s as it's about east versus west (and the soundtrack is E X C E L L E N T. THIS IS WHERE YOU'LL FIND YOUR DURAN DURAN). I feel like I'm on the cusp of being over North American tv programming, this has been some solid quality TV watching. Deutschland 83 was damn dirty good, fast-paced, RIVETING. Our watching of this was timely as it's coming off of its hiatus this year. I also appreciate their effort to cast at least SOME POCs.
Unfortunately cycling makes my anxiety spike out of control right now. I think I would feel differently about this if we were closer to spring, but because we're in the off-season (or "off-season"), I'm not as heartbroken having to leave the bike on the wall for the moment.
So I have found solace and continued activeness in swimming. I have Matt (a former national-level swimmer) to thank for this, as he's been teaching me how to swim* (*properly. Like any other sport, it's shockingly technical when you have to do it properly). Being in the water feels really good.
I read both of these in two weeks (Dark Matter was read in one weekend, I don't remember the last time I read a book that fast. It helped that this one was also a love story). I suppose I'm in an "anything but this reality" frame of mind these days and getting lost in sci-fi stories serves this well, as escapist as that is of me to say. Math, science, and physics makes an impossible reality possible so it seems within grasp to live in an impossible reality, like you CAN actually escape to these fucked-up, made-up places. So in a sense, that's sort of-- comforting? I'm speaking on the whole here, Andy Weir's PSA for living on the moon wasn't great (I don't care how many air shelters there are in Artemis...). But I'd keep giving more money to Mr. Musk if I could.
Okay, I think that's all I have to say for now, I should go take care of myself (I'm actually quite sick, my period and a cold/flu came on the same day so... go me?)